


heliocentrism (and gravity, you and me)

by bags_of_luck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Some Fluff, WARNING: RELIGIOUS THEMES, and sunlight imagery, im sorry, lots of feelings, some internalized homophobia, young boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 07:39:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14397378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bags_of_luck/pseuds/bags_of_luck
Summary: Mark has always thought that it wasn't right to like boys, and his foolishness ends up hurting Donghyuck.//heliocentricˌhiːlɪə(ʊ)ˈsɛntrɪk/adjectivehaving or representing the sun as the centre





	heliocentrism (and gravity, you and me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys!  
> I've been sitting on this fic for a REALLY long time and it got a little hard to write because of how frequent writers block hits me, and I'm not fully satisfied with it but I'm glad I managed to complete it.
> 
> Just a fair warning, there's quite some religious themes and imagery in here so if you're not comfortable with that, please click away.
> 
> If not, enjoy!

Mark Lee says his prayers before he goes to sleep every night—has done so for as long as he could remember.

He does it religiously before he’s tugged away into the limbo of dreams, regardless of how tiring practice had been that day, how much he just wants to crash under his own fatigued muscles.

His mother had reminded him every night without fail, before kissing him on the forehead and tucking him in. He remembers a younger him with eyes squeezed shut and hands clasped tightly together, lips moving soundlessly, hoping that God would grant him the latest video game or a good grade on the next test.

These nights, he prays for different things.

He prays for the strength to get through another day, he gives thanks for all that he’s been blessed with.

He prays for those around him: for Taeyong, that he can hold up under the weight of seventeen other people on his shoulders; for Jisung, that he never loses sight of his own dreams despite being last in a family of eighteen; for Kun, that he finds comfort in the knowledge that his time will come; for Johnny, Ten, WinWin, Lucas, Renjun, Chenle, who miss home and family every second of the day just like he does.

Mark never really knew what to pray for, so he thinks to back when he was twelve, when the priest placed his hand kindly on his shoulder with a serene smile and told him, “ _Pray for those you love._ ”

Inexplicably, Mark prays for Donghyuck, sweet, noisy, overworked Donghyuck, that he never loses his shine.

Before he drifts away under the current of lullabies and feather-soft dreams, he feels the gentle heat of an autumn sun on his cheeks and the taste of sticky caramel in his mouth.

\-----

The dawn seeps into his room, curling at the edges of his eyelids and tugging at them. He realizes it’s only fitting that the day be called ‘ _Sunday_ ’, when the early morning sun is stubbornly bent on making its presence known.

By the time he throws his blankets to the side and shuffles to the bathroom, the sun is creeping up even further, dragging itself through the leftover night-time clouds.

Mark pushes the door open and startles at finding someone already planted in front of the sink, wrapped up in a set of faded teddy bear pajamas.

Donghyuck turns to look at him, eyes still half-lidded with sleep, fingers slackening on his toothbrush as foam runs down the corner of his mouth. There is an imprint of his pillow on his cheek, a red crease making its home comfortably on an expanse of bronze skin, his hair is sticking out messily in a thousand different directions, and Mark resists the urge to smooth it down.

“Mmfmgfg,” slurs Donghyuck, and Mark wonders if he’s actually awake.

“You’re getting toothpaste on your shirt, Hyuck,” he advises kindly.

Donghyuck looks down at his pajamas with an expression that might have been sadness if his face hadn’t been clouded by sleep.

He spits in the sink, foam splattering everywhere, and makes the most half-assed attempt that Mark has ever seen to rinse off the remnants.

There is still some on the corner of his mouth, though, and Mark lets out a long-suffering sigh, grabbing a tissue from the holder on the sink and helps him clean it up. Donghyuck is swaying slightly on the spot, eyes almost fully closed, and Mark thinks he might have just dozed off while standing up.

His skin is still warm from sleep and the moment Mark nudges his face, he lets out a soft sigh, head drooping down until his forehead is pressed to Mark’s shoulder.

Mark thinks his heart is full of fondness as it skips a beat, feels a warmth bleeding from his chest to his feet against the cold tiled floor and up to his throat.

“Hey sleepyhead, c’mon we’ve got a day off today.”

Donghyuck grumbles half-heartedly and Mark feels it travel through his bones, a light tickle against his ribcage and he laughs softly.

“HEY are you lovebirds done cuddling in the toilet? I kind of need to PEE?” The quiet morning moment was shattered as Lucas barged in loudly through the door and nimbly dodged Donghyuck’s lazy swipes.

Despite the unwelcome interruption, the corners of his lips began to curl up as some sleepiness trickled away, healthy color flooding his face and a shine returning to his eyes.

“Morning, Markeurrie, what shall we do today?” Donghyuck’s smile was as bright as ever as his hands grabbed loosely at Mark’s sweatshirt.

There were no windows in the room, but Mark knew that the sun had fully risen, 7.23am.

\-----

It was the kind of weather Mark loved, the transition from spring to summer when the temperature managed to balance precariously between being too cold and too hot. When the sun was warm but the breeze was cool, and the air smelled like sweet morning dew.

Days off were rare, and the idea of voluntarily leaving the dorms rather than laze around was even rarer, but Mark always loved the outside more.

Which is how he found his feet hitting the asphalt as Donghyuck tried to walk along the edge of the curb, the scattered leaves around them still moist and cool from the early air. Two years back, he had misstepped, sprained his ankle, and gotten a good dressing-down from their manager. But of course, Donghyuck doesn’t learn, isn’t afraid to fall again.

So Mark becomes his support when he wobbles precariously, his shoulder at perfect height for Donghyuck to brace himself against each time he flails and almost loses his balance. It is an almost laughable picture of utter concentration, the sheer ridiculousness of the situation underscored by the determination on Donghyuck’s face, his knitted brows, his tongue poking through his teeth as he conquers each step as though he were conquering the world.

When he reaches the end of the curb without any fatal accidents, his proud grin shines so unabashedly that it almost hurts to look at, the youthfulness and naivety in his face tugging a smile onto Mark’s lips, but he pretends to be unimpressed.

“Wow, good job! Let’s go get our ice cream now.”

The corners of Donghyuck’s lips turn down into a pout, but it is nothing more than playful because he knows Mark’s sarcasm has no bite.

They spend the rest of the 15-minute walk bickering about what time the ice cream shop opens. (”It opens at eight,” says Mark, to which Donghyuck scoffs, “Don’t be stupid, it opens at eight-thirty.”)

It is eventually revealed that they are both wrong, because the shop opens at nine and they press their faces to the glass door, leaving behind streaks of fingerprints and foggy breaths, peering in to see if anyone has arrived yet.

Donghyuck slides down the length of the window into a squat, sighing dramatically as they resign themselves to waiting.

“We should’ve listened when Taeyong-hyung said getting ice cream at eight in the morning was a stupid idea.”

“No, Taeyong-hyung just thinks ice cream is a stupid idea in general because it makes his teeth cold and his jaw ache,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

Mark checks his watch—they had another seven minutes to spare.

Donghyuck hums a quiet tune that Mark can’t really figure out, until he suddenly perks up.

“Hey! Let’s play I Spy!”

Mark throws him a weird look. “What are you, nine?”

Donghyuck crosses his arms and tosses his head petulantly. “I spy with my little eyes, something green.”

Mark blinks. “Hyuck, we’re next to the park.”

The smug look on his face clearly said that Donghyuck didn’t care.

Mark rolled his eyes. “Is it...the fourth leaf on the third branch of the fifth tree from the left?”

“Nope...it’s the fourth leaf on the third branch of the fifth tree from the right!” Donghyuck cackles gleefully like he’d just told the funniest joke in the world, and the sound broke through the tranquility of the morning and was so ridiculous that Mark found himself bursting into laughter too.

“Your turn!” Donghyuck exclaimed excitedly and Mark turned to scan the vicinity.

The sunlight filtering through the leaves caught his eye, glinting beautifully, and for a brief, stuttering moment, he thought about how it was rich and auburn like the boy next to him.

“I spy with my little eyes...something brilliant.”

Donghyuck’s laughter felt syrupy and golden, as though he had bottled and swallowed the morning rays. “Silly boy, brilliant isn’t a color!”

Mark could hear the smile in his voice and distractedly tore his eyes away from the foliage fluttering in the yellowish dawn, breath catching in his throat.  
The sun had claimed Donghyuck, dancing atop his fiery hair and casting a molten highlight across the apples of his cheeks that were lifted in a cheeky grin.

Mark loved the sun, the way it made the clouds orange or yellow or pink, how it made everything it touched beautiful, but he thinks he loved the way it made Donghyuck so radiant the most.

“Is it me?” Donghyuck smirked.

“You—what?”

“Am I the brilliant thing you were thinking of?”

Mark coughed hastily. “Uh, no? I was thinking of the sunlight over there,” he points lamely at the tree and Donghyuck’s answering laugh was airy and tinkling.

The bells on the door of the shop jingled, thankfully saving Mark from an unintentionally awkward situation as the employee, an elderly woman, smiled kindly at them. “We’re open now, thank you boys for waiting.”

Donghyuck rubbed his hands together gleefully, all thoughts of what had just transpired vanishing instantly as he sprung up from the ground and pulled Mark unceremoniously into the shop with him.

He was, by all definitions, a kid in a candy shop as he flitted from display to display, unable to decide on a flavor he wanted.

“Markeurrie, I can’t just choose one flavour! The rest are begging me to take them home too.”

Mark sighed. “First of all, Hyuck, they’re just going to end up in your stomach, not home. Secondly, okay, how about I buy you two scoops?”

The tremendous joy that lit up Donghyuck’s face was almost comical and Mark felt unreasonably pleased at how happy he’d managed to make the younger boy, who immediately squeezed the breath out of him in a crushing hug.

Donghyuck eventually settled on Caramel Butterscotch and Vanilla Bean, while Mark went for his usual—Mint.

“Enjoy your date!” The elderly woman beamed, waving serenely as they pushed their way out of the door while clutching their cups of ice cream. Mark almost choked and Donghyuck led out a loud cackle, shouting back, “We will! Thanks _halmeoni_!”

They brisk walked to the park, hoping to get to the swings before their ice cream completely melted. It was still cooling outside but the sun was up, and the poor ice cream hardly stood a chance, dripping over the edges of the tiny cup as they laughed and licked it up.

Thankfully, the swings were empty and the park was quiet, blessing them with a rare moment of peace outdoors. Donghyuck scooted back and let his legs dangle, the tips of his shoes brushing against the playground sand with every gentle swing.

He looked younger like this, Mark decided, oddly nostalgic for the days before debut, when trips to grab sweets, desserts, or just to hang out in McDonald’s were easier and more frequent. He missed it, missed freedom with Donghyuck, missed the feeling of time being carefree and inconsequential rather than a precious resource that he could spare little of.

Now, watching him glow in the morning sun, hair lit up like embers against the soft green of the trees around them, a smear of ice cream across his top lip, Mark felt an ache in his chest.

It reminded him suddenly of when his mother had brought him to the Sainte-Chapelle and the glory of the stained glass windows made his breath catch.

“Beautiful, aren’t they?” she had smiled at his gaping look of awe. “Sometimes things are so magnificent, so divine that we call them breathtaking. God created them to capture hearts and shock minds.”

Donghyuck idly turned his head to meet Mark’s eyes and the simmering fire in his gaze was gripping, a small smile creeping onto his face.

“Stop staring, Markeurrie,” he sang teasingly.

Mark cleared his throat and looked away.

“I wasn’t staring, dumbass,” he tried to scoff. “Why didn’t you tell the halmeoni that we aren’t on a date?”

Donghyuck’s look was searching.

“Are we not?”

The usual teasing quality was eerily absent from his voice and as Mark met his eyes for the hundredth time that day, he was uneasy at the unfamiliar look of solemness on Donghyuck’s face.

“We always come out together when we have free days. We always get ice cream, we come to the swings, we always hold hands and laugh all the way home. We share beds when it’s cold at night and I sing to you before you sleep. You always look at me, Markeurrie,” Donghyuck’s voice was soft and filled Mark’s head with honey, clouding his thoughts and making everything viscous and sticky.

“Do you not love me?”

The words, raw and unhappy, sliced open a wound in Mark’s heart as he tried to find a suitable response for the situation.

“I—I don’t like boys, Hyuck. It’s not right—”

The moment his words were out, he knew he had made a grave mistake, but no amount of fervent praying could have shoved the ugly words back into his mouth.

“Not right?”

Donghyuck’s eyes, once only ever filled with warmth towards him, were now blazing with a sharp anger. He got up from the swing, ice cream cup tumbling onto the ground, hands clenched into fists.

“Then I’m sorry I’m not right.”

With that, he turned his back on Mark and left in the direction they had come from together.

Mark wanted to chase him, stop him, but he felt utterly paralyzed. He couldn’t take what he’d said back, nor could he replace them with what Donghyuck wanted to hear.

The sun suddenly seemed too harsh, beating down on his skin, scorching his soul and setting him alight, but it couldn’t chase away the chill that had spread from his chest, numbing him.

Dazed, he stood on his unsteady legs, and willed them to carry him home, alone.

\--------

“What did you do?” were Taeyong’s first words when he stumbled back into the dorm.

He was standing next to the sofa where the other older members were congregated, arms crossed, an accusatory glare fixed on his face.

Part of Mark felt wronged, that they had immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had done something, but he knew that he had indeed hurt Donghyuck with his words.

“I didn’t...I—I told him it isn’t right to like boys.” The words sounded worse when he said them out loud again, the guilt-stricken feeling in his heart amplifying when he was met with a collective look of disappointment from the others.

“I didn’t mean it! Hyungs, I didn’t mean it!” Mark’s face twisted in desperation and to his horror, he felt tears well up in his eyes and he swiped away angrily at them, turning so that they wouldn’t see him cry.

His obvious regret must have redeemed him somehow, because Johnny’s voice was softer than his earlier sharp gaze when he spoke.

“Mark, we know you didn’t mean it. But does Donghyuck know you didn’t mean it?”

“I’ve never seen him look so upset,” added Yuta in a tone less gentle than Johnny’s, because despite how much he would fight with Donghyuck, he was fiercely protective of the younger.

Mark couldn’t bring himself to look at them, shame rising threateningly in him, making his hands shake and chest tremble.

“Mark,” began Taeyong hesitantly, “I know it’s not our place to say this, but we know you two love each other a lot.”

The atmosphere was slightly awkward and tense, as Mark continued to face away from them.

“I know what you’ve been told all your life says this isn’t okay. But no one makes you happier than Donghyuck does, you know that? Are you going to throw that all away?” It was Taeil’s turn to speak up, which was surprising because even though he cared deeply for the members, he tried his best to stay out of their private lives.

Mark remained silent, their words echoing in his ears. It was all too much, and he could feel his head start to pound and a wave of exhaustion crashed over him.

“I’m sorry...I’m so tired, I’m so sorry.”

Without waiting for a response, he turned to escape into his room, trying to ignore the feeling of seven pairs of eyes burning into his back.

The darkness of the bedroom was welcoming, shielding him from the gaze of the world, yet the airless atmosphere weighed heavy on his lungs, crushing his spirit.

Helpless, he collapsed flat onto his bed and stared at the blank ceiling.

Pray for those you love...we know you two love each other a lot...no one makes you happier than Donghyuck does, you know that?

...Do you not love me?

Donghyuck’s hurt face was seared into the back of Mark’s eyelids, and every time he closed his eyes, that look of betrayal and undisguised sorrow haunted him to the core.

Drawing a shaky breath, Mark clasped his hands together like how he used to ten years ago, as a naive, lost child.

“Dear God,” he whispered, a quiet breath in the silent room but a loud cry for help in his head.

“Please help me. I don’t want to lose Donghyuck.”

“I don’t know what’s right and—and what’s wrong. I need you to show me the road I’m meant to take.”

A single tear rolled out of the corner of his eye, slipping onto the bed sheet and rapidly forming a tiny patch.

A heavy blanket of fatigue suddenly threw itself over him, weighing on his eyelids and slowly tugging him away from wakefulness.

Before he let himself go under, he thought of summer days and roses in the field, sun hats and picnic mats. He thought of happiness, sunshine, golden and molten.

He thought of Donghyuck, but then drowned, unconscious.

\-----

Mark slept fitfully, unease itching at his skin and pulling him away from the brink of restful slumber.

No one had attempted to breach his room, nor did he dare to venture out for fear of having to wallow in his own shame in front of someone else.

He wondered what Donghyuck was doing, how he was feeling, who he was turning to for consolation.

Without a doubt, the hyungs would be wrapping him up in hugs and love, and Mark bitterly thought that he should’ve been his confidante, his comfort, but he knew he did not deserve that role after he had hurt him.

The clock of the wall read 10.15 at night, and Mark realized he had been lying aimlessly in bed for over twelve hours, without drinking or eating anything.

A buzz from his phone caught his attention as his screen lit up, cold and blue in the dark room, an odd occurrence since his phone was always on silent.

Blinking at the silent brightness and squinting, he was surprised to find a message from a name he could barely recall.

**Jacob**  
Hey Mark  
This is Jacob, from church?  
Ok uhhhh this is kinda weird  
because I know we haven’t  
spoken in like, years  
But how you doing, man?  
 _10.16pm_

Mark’s brows furrowed in confusion. He remembered Jacob from Bible studies class, easygoing and friendly, but they had lost touch ever since he moved to Seoul, so it was odd to receive a message from him out of the blue.

**Mark**  
Hey Jacob, what’s up man!  
Long time no talk, yeah?  
I’m doing okay in general...but  
some stuff just came up haha.  
Hope I’ll be able to fix it soon I guess.  
 _10.17pm_

**Jacob**  
Ohh…  
Hey sorry if this is a little weird  
or something  
But the reason I’m contacting you  
is because I kind of had a dream??  
That you needed my help for something.  
And I didn’t want to weird you out but  
it seems like you’re indeed having a  
problem.  
Maybe God’s trying to tell you something?  
 _10.18pm_

Mark hesitated, uncertainty and hope growing in him.

**Jacob**  
Sorry if you aren’t like religious anymore  
but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I  
had to contact you somehow.  
If you’re doing fine I can just go!  
 _10.19pm_

**Mark**  
Hey hey man thanks so much.  
I actually do have a really big problem  
but I’m not sure if you’ll be able to help  
me with it, because it’s like really private.  
 _10.20pm_

**Jacob**  
I understand, bro!  
If you don’t want to talk over text, we could  
meet up over coffee?  
I’m actually in Seoul now, I came  
to visit my boyfriend :)  
 _10.21pm_

A chill ran down Mark’s spine.

**Mark**  
Boyfriend?  
 _10.21pm_

Once again, he cursed his inability to filter words, and his fingers flew across the screen to hurriedly type out a follow-up that didn’t make him sound like a rude homophobe.

**Jacob**  
Yup!!!!  
I met him when he came to my  
school for an exchange programme.  
And...I won’t go into details about the rest.  
Heh.  
 _10.22pm_

**Mark**  
You know what?  
I think coffee sounds good, you  
might be able to help me with the  
problem I’m having.  
 _10.23pm_

With a buzz, another message notification appeared at the top of his screen.

**Taeyong hyung**  
Mark, we told manager hyung that  
you’re not feeling well and so he  
says you can have another rest day  
tomorrow.  
I have a feeling you need this, but  
it can’t go on forever.  
Take some time to think about everything, ok?  
 _10.23pm_

**Mark**  
Thanks hyung.  
I’ll fix this, I promise  
 _10.23pm_

**Jacob**  
That’s great!  
Does 9am at Paradise Cafe sound ok?  
 _10.24pm_

**Mark**  
Yeah! It’s actually just down the road  
from my dorm!  
See you tomorrow morning!  
 _10.24pm_

**Jacob**  
See you! (:  
 _10.25pm_

The pieces were falling into places too easily, and a glimmer of hope began to grow in his chest. If this was truly a sign from God, he wasn’t ready to let it go that easily.

Falling back onto his bed, the suffocating pressure that held him in a tight grip earlier seemed to have loosened a bit as he cradled his phone to his chest.  
This time, sleep seemed a little more forgiving, and he drifted off into a light slumber.

\-----

Mark woke at the ungodly hour of 5am, but decided that it was a good thing as he could dash out of his room unapproached since the rest wouldn’t be up until 6.30.

He stuck his head out of the door, checking that no one was outside or awake, before bolting to the toilet. He observed his pale, tired face in the mirror and let out a sigh, before jumping into a hot shower that felt forgiving on his clammy skin.

Afterwards, he tiptoed to the kitchen, keeping an ear out for any footsteps or activity. There were a few buns and packets of biscuits on the counter, along with a bottle of water, and he knew they were laid out for him.

He quietly grabbed them and was about to retreat back to the room, but an empty tub of mint ice cream by the sink caught his eye, sending a pang through his chest.

Donghyuck always ate mint ice cream when he was sad.

“It’s like toothpaste for my shitty soul,” Donghyuck had said when Mark caught him shovelling spoonfuls of it into his mouth after failing a particularly important test a few months back.

Mark would always take it away from him in an attempt to prevent his best friend from getting diabetes at the ripe young age of seventeen, and he hated how this time, he was the cause of it.

Silently, he withdrew to his room, set the snacks down on his bed, and waited for the sun to rise.

\-----

The boy sitting at the table alone was a little taller and thinner than Mark had remembered, but when he looked up and grinned, he was pretty sure it was the same Jacob as before.

“Mark! Hey! Mark!” Jacob waved enthusiastically, almost knocking over his mug.

Mark slid into the empty seat next to him, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He had speedwalked here just to make sure he avoided any members that might have been lurking around, and he was grateful that the cafe was pretty empty.

“Er….so…” He hadn’t actually planned what he was going to say to Jacob and now, facing his church friend that he hadn’t seen in more than half a decade, he felt extremely awkward.

“So,” Jacob confidently took the lead, stirring his coffee idly. “Is your big problem related to me having a boyfriend?”

Mark’s cheeks immediately flushed, not expecting the conversation to take such a direct and turn.

“No...Well yes? Okay, maybe? I don’t know?”

Jacob squinted at him but made no indication that he was going to speak, which Mark took as a cue to continue.

“It’s-It’s…” he sighed. “It’s complicated.”

“Well try me,” said Jacob with a reassuring smile.

“So my best friend kind of confessed to me.”

“And…?” prompted Jacob.

“Okay well I told him that—” Mark hesitated, “I told him I didn’t like boys and it wasn’t right.”

He nervously stole a glance at the other boy, who looked thoughtful but not annoyed.

“So your problem is that you hurt him by saying that one, you don’t like boys, and two, it’s not right, but you’re having a crisis because you really like him but you’ve been told your whole life that it shouldn’t be allowed?” Jacob deadpanned.

Mark was sure his mouth was hanging open at this point.

“I...well...yes...except for the part where I like him back? I’m not—I don’t know.” Mark sighed.

Jacob was silent for a short moment, but then suddenly clapped his hands together.

“Okay so the thing is. I know how you’re feeling because I’ve been through your exact situation before. I mean c’mon, we grew up in the same church. I lived by the same rules that you did. But you know what? I’m not any less religious than before I got to know Kanghyun.”

Mark must’ve seemed a little perplexed because Jacob perked up a little.

“Oh! Kanghyun is my boyfriend,” he smiled, and Mark felt an inexplicable pang of jealousy at his unrestrained happiness, a stark contrast to the inner turmoil that had been slowly consuming him.

“So back to the point. I know that we’ve all been told the whole ‘God is against homosexuality’ thing and all that, but I did some research and spoke to a few people, and they say that it’s all still pretty ambiguous.

I mean, we always cite the Bible for many things, but it’s been translated and passed down so many times that I think that nuances can’t always be captured perfectly and so I try to take things with a pinch of salt, you know?”

Sensing his discomfort, Jacob threw Mark a sympathetic look.

“Hey, it’s alright if you can’t really come to terms with this now. It took me awhile, too. It’s hard to do what seems to go against everything you’ve grown up with.

But I’ve honestly never been happier than I am now with Kanghyun, and I feel that...this kind of happiness can’t be wrong, you know? He makes me a better person, and I can’t imagine a day without him in my life.”

“But do you honestly...not feel bad at all?” Mark asked quietly.

Jacob’s answering smile was wry.

“At first I did, and sometimes I still do, when those from church have nothing to offer but disgusted looks and unkind words. I’ve spent many nights wondering if this is all a mistake, that I’ll end up in hell when I die,” he laughed bitterly.

“But then I realize that I don’t feel any less loved by God even though I’m with Kanghyun.

The oddest thing happened the other day: I was walking in an empty alley at night, and then suddenly I felt something push me really strongly from the side and I hit the wall. Seconds later, someone flung an unopened beer bottle down to where I would have been standing.

The debris did cut me,” Jacob rolled up his sleeve to show a faint scar on his forearm, “but I could’ve died. No one was in the alley except for me.”

Mark felt a light shudder run up his spine, tingling between his ears, and he shivered.

“I went home and I cried and Kanghyun called me and said he’d felt something was wrong and I told him what had happened and you know what he said?” Jacob was smiling but his eyes were misty.

“He told me, “Jacob, that’s His way of showing that He still loves you, no matter how much others keep telling you we’re wrong.”

And I knew he was right. He keeps me grounded and pushes me to be the best version of myself. And I don’t think there’s any way this kind of love can be wrong.”

Mark was mortified to find his own eyes damp, and he hurriedly dabbed at them before the tears could escape.

“You’re crying because you know this is how you feel too. You were always a smart kid, Mark. I’m sure whoever this boy is that you love, he’s an incredible person and he makes you happier than no one else ever can.”

At this point, he felt the tell-tale stinging of his nose bridge and could no longer stem the tears.

“He—He does. He’s like the sun,” Mark smiled despite the tears and Jacob laughed.

“Look at you smiling even when crying over him. He must really mean a lot to you.”

“You were right. I like him. I love him. I’ve always loved him.”

The words felt clumsy in his mouth, heavy on his tongue, but the more he said them the sweeter they tasted.

“Jacob, I love Donghyuck.”

“Well good for you, Mark. But there’s no use telling me. Say it to his face, and let him know you mean it.”

Mark’s euphoria immediately crashed and his shoulders slumped miserably.

“The problem now is that he probably hates me. I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me soon.”

“Well then don’t tell it to him directly. Proclaim it so that he has no choice but to hear it. I played Kanghyun a song in the corridors during his last week in Canada and asked him to be my boyfriend. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone cry and laugh so much at the same time.” Jacob’s smile was fond and reminiscent.

“So what? Stick my confession up on the wall so that when he enters the dorm everyone will see it?” Mark joked.

Jacob hummed. “That doesn’t sound too bad, actually. Then he’ll know you aren’t afraid to hide your love.”

“Oh,” Mark blinked, not expecting his joke to actually be taken seriously. “Okay I didn’t expect that to be an option.”

“Just be sincere. I know he’ll feel it if it comes from the heart.”

They both descended into silence as Mark pondered over how to fix the situation with Donghyuck, until Jacob checked his watch and downed the rest of his coffee.

“Sorry to cut this meeting short, but I gotta go meet some friends down in town!”

They shook hands and briefly hugged.

“Thanks so much for this talk, Jacob. I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been around to help me through this.” Mark sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Jacob smiled. “I think it’s all part of His plan, Mark. Why else would I fly into Korea the exact same day you discovered this problem of yours. I told you, you’re not any less loved by Him. Always remember that and you’ll never go wrong.”

Emotion threatened to rise up in Mark again upon hearing his words, and he couldn’t help the swell of gratitude in his heart as he waved goodbye to Jacob, who yelled ‘TEXT ME!” as he pushed his way out of the door.

Mark sat at the table alone, sipping the last of his coffee, while he formulated a plan in his head.

When he reached back to the dorms, he dragged out the rolls of white paper he knew had been left untouched in the storeroom for months, and got to work.

\-----

The loud raucous laughter that bled through the dorm’s front door meant that the members had returned from practice.

Heart thumping, Mark scrambled up from the couch, feeling a sickening swoop in his stomach as he turned to face the doorway.

Taeyong was the first to enter, being one of the only few members entrusted with the key. His smile dropped slightly in confusion when he saw Mark standing there, but it grew even wider when he saw what was on the wall behind him.

Johnny was next, displaying the same initial confusion as Taeyong had done, but his lips quirked up into a smirk.

The rest of the members slowly filed in, but Mark knew that Donghyuck would be last—he always walked at the back when he was upset.

Taking a deep breath to calm his shaking hands and thudding heart, Mark opened his mouth to yell.

“LEE DONGHYUCK!”

To his relief, his voice did not waver despite the nerves brimming in his stomach.

Donghyuck finally stepped into the dorm, looking pale and tired but also perplexed at the shouting.

The twisting in Mark’s gut intensified the moment he saw Donghyuck’s face. He hated how lost and unhappy he looked, yet at the same time he realized how much he’d missed seeing him.

“Lee Donghyuck,” repeated Mark, this time quieter. “Lee Donghyuck, hear me out.”

“In 2014 when we first met and you spilled your drink on me in the dance studio and only laughed because you thought we were the same age, I should have known that I would grow to love you.

In 2015 when you kissed me on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I distanced myself for days from you because I thought things would be weird between us. I remember you cried because you thought I didn’t want us to be best friends anymore and I felt so bad that I bought you three tubs of ice cream. I should have known that I would grow to love you.

In 2016 when I kissed you on SM Television, I felt something then but I thought it was embarrassment and fear, fear of what people would say. I didn’t let myself listen to the thought that I wanted to kiss you again because I thought it was wrong. I tried to run, but I should have known that I would grow to love you.

In 2017 when we fought, those were the hardest days of my life. I grew up with you, trained with you, cried, bled, fought with you. And then suddenly it was like you weren’t there to hold my hand or pinch me or laugh at me. It felt like death every day but I was stubborn and proud and I didn’t let myself be the bigger person. I lost my best friend for so long and it was difficult to be happy and I couldn’t sleep at night. I should have known that I would grow to love you.

Yesterday in the park when you asked if I loved you and I told you it wasn’t right, I was stupid, foolish, a big fat coward. I should have known that I loved you.

The past four years with you were the best of my life. Even though I always scold you when you don’t listen and I push you away selfishly sometimes, no one makes me happier than you do.  
I’ve always been confused and scared to realize that I liked you. I’ve grown up hearing that it’s wrong to like other boys and so I blindly held on to that belief and in the end I’ve hurt you because of that.”

By this point, Mark’s voice had become softer, unsteady with emotion, and he could feel his eyes stinging threateningly.

“But if this isn’t right,” Mark drew a shaky breath, “then I’m okay with being wrong.”

The room was silent, tense, heavy with unspoken words and confessions.

“Lee Donghyuck, I’m in love with you.”

The moment the phrase slipped off his tongue, Mark felt a weight lift off his chest, and the small smile that crept its way onto Donghyuck’s lips made his heart sing.

“Lee Donghyuck, there’s never been anyone I’ve loved more. You’ve always been there for me in the good times and the bad. You’re beautiful, brilliant, funny, talented, and you know how to make me smile. I’m sorry I’ve been stupid and cowardly.”

Taking a step back, Mark spread his arms to gesture at what was written on the paper stuck to the wall.

이동혁:사랑해,사랑해

“Lee Donghyuck: I love you, I love you. Will you be mine?”

The words were barely out of his mouth before Donghyuck moved in a blur across the room, eyes glistening, launching himself into Mark’s open arms.

Mark was certain he had never hugged anyone that tightly in his life, but as his arms encircled Donghyuck’s waist, he thought about how right it felt, how much like home it felt, and he never wanted to let go.

The loud hollering and clapping of the other members were a little more than background noise as Donghyuck buried his face in Mark’s neck, and he felt alarmed at a wetness soaking through his shirt.

“Are you crying? Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry. I love you,” Mark murmured into Donghyuck’s ear and felt the other boy let out a quiet laugh.

Donghyuck pulled back but didn’t loosen his grip around Mark’s shoulders.

“Do you know how long I’ve waited for this? I never thought you’d ever love me back.” His face was blotchy and eyes swollen, but Mark’s heart ached with the radiant beauty that shone from him.

“I do, I’m sorry it took me so long, but I do.”

“Kiss me,” Donghyuck’s voice was breathy and low.

So Mark did.

Donghyuck’s lips tasted like honey, soft like morning sun and warm like caramel, and Mark felt a buzz shoot through his veins, livewire zapping at every nerve on his skin. He pulled Donghyuck closer like he was scared to lose him again, and marvelled how right it felt to have him in his arms.

After the kiss, Donghyuck’s misty-eyed smile was a thousand megawatts brighter, and Mark found himself falling in love all over again.

“I love you,” said Donghyuck simply, and a comfortable summer heat settled in Mark’s heart, content and mellow.

“Get a room!” Yuta yelled and the others hooted along with him, making Donghyuck blush and turn his head away, but Mark couldn’t care less.

With Donghyuck in his arms and his heart for him to keep, Mark felt invincible.

\-----

The glow of Mark’s laptop screen lit up the dim room as he and Donghyuck huddled in front of where it was settled comfortably on his bed, blankets strewn haphazardly over their shoulders and laps.

With a ping, the page loaded and a familiar face filled the screen, lips already stretched out into a delighted grin.

“Jacob! Hey man!” Mark beamed.

“Hey Mark! And oh, you must be Donghyuck!” Jacob’s voice was tinny and slightly distorted, but his excitement was hard to miss.

“Are you the friend that managed to put me out of a four-year pining episode?” Donghyuck asked cheerfully, and Mark slapped his arm.

“That would be me. I’m glad Mark found someone fun to balance out his boring life. He was very happy when he talked about you,” smiled Jacob mischievously.

“Ooh really? Tell me what else he said about me.” Donghyuck smirked and leaned closer to the screen but Mark grabbed his shoulder, cutting them off before Jacob could reveal anything embarrassing.

“Anyway, Jacob, how’re you and Kanghyun?”

“We’re good, but I didn’t realize how much I missed him. You’re lucky you get to spend every day with your boyfriend.” Jacob pouted.

Mark’s heart swelled upon hearing someone call Donghyuck his boyfriend, and he tried to fight back the grin that crept up his face.

“HA! Look at him smiling like some lovesick fool,” laughed Jacob.

“Aw Markeurrie, I know you love me.” Donghyuck teased, eyes crinkled into a smile.

“I do,” replied Mark seriously and it was Donghyuck’s turn to blush.

“Uh okay don’t do your coupley stuff in front of me, man. Anyway, I have to go because I’m really jet-lagged now, but thanks for updating me on your happy ending, Mark!” Jacob waved a quick goodbye to the both of them, and the chat logged out.

An hour later, they were both tangled up in the blankets of Mark’s bed, Donghyuck resting his head on one of Mark’s outstretched arms, and staring at the glow in the dark stars stuck to the ceiling.

They had cuddled together and slept in the same bed before, but this time it was different. Mark felt contented, anchored, and the feeling was so unfamiliar and comforting that he felt a lump in his throat, and he coughed to clear it.

“Mark,” Donghyuck’s voice was a whisper in the quiet room.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Mark turned his head and caught Donghyuck’s eyes glittering in the dim night, a lone street lamp outside casting a faint orange glow against the walls.

Overwhelmed with emotion, Mark leaned over to press a kiss to Donghyuck’s temple, felt the drum of a singing, lively pulse against his lips.

“No, thank you for loving me all this time. My world would be nothing with you.”

They fell asleep to sweet dreams and calming moonlight, fingers intertwined and skin-to-skin.

\-----

The next day began with sunlight filtering through the curtains and Mark laid awake for a little while, eyes tracing the soft curves of Donghyuck’s face as he slept peacefully.

Not long after, Donghyuck’s eyelashes started to flutter and he blinked sleepily, rolling over to stretch languidly, until he realized Mark was staring fondly at him.

“Mmmm?” He stifled a yawn cutely behind his fist and peered blearily at Mark.

“Good morning, my sunshine boy.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading through my entire chunk of jumbled, barely coherent plots.
> 
> Please leave a kudos and a comment if you enjoyed it!


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